You will make it but only if you run

7/01/2012


Life, people, connections, friendships, family. Between the heartache and joys, the friends and the assholes. The people who have changed so much and left ugly footprints on their way out. The people who you have yet to meet, conversations you have yet to have. The stranger who walks up to you when you're so lost that you can't even see straight, and they whisper the most truth they've ever told anyone and ever will. No one even saw them but they have saved you. Why then? Why now? What are these coincidences? The synchronicity that seems magical. The brief blinks shared in a stare. Who is everyone around us? What struggles and excitement surround them? What does it all mean? Did your small gesture help in ways you could never anticipate or did your words break like waves upon a melted heart, lost in the choppy waters of disappointment? The people who talk about being there, the people who actually are, the people who show up when the car breaks down, the people who leave at the sight of rain. The faces that greet you in hospital before you remember that you were on that side of the IV once, in another time, in another place with people who aren't here anymore.

The smiles, the laughter, that time you tripped and felt nothing because you were so happy and nothing could touch you. That other time when the smallest move made you scream in agony and pull your hair. The people who constantly top up your glass. The ghosts who can't even see you no matter how may times you slowly wave your hand. The mistakes that you made because you believed in a kaleidescopic night sky so you talked about the world in a hammock until the sun came up. The people you trusted who constantly revisit their persistent urges to leave you letters later to say, "I'm not a horrible person". The people who change their minds and don't know who they are. You're one of them and you hurt and confuse as much as they do but you'll never have any idea. Who has felt adrenaline from one of your glances? Who have you run away from? What do your footprints looks like? What puzzle pieces did they invent to complete the equation? The people who trusted you and assume that they meant nothing to you. Those who fell in love with you for the wrong reasons. Those who loved you for the right ones. The people who wanted to be you. The people who hated the sight of you. The times you were a pushover, the wrong time you finally decided not to be. The people who think they're so much better than everyone when they were once so kind. The facades that drop or the walls that go up. And it makes no sense now and it makes no sense ever because the people who seem so good end up being bad and the ones you think you need to stay away from don't deserve your doubt. Why do you ignore your gut and continue extending your hand towards an open flame? Why do you finally listen to your intuition and then torture yourself by wondering if you're making a mistake? Who has ever really lain awake beside you when you were sure the world had fallen out from under you? Has anyone been capable of carrying you up to bed? The intermission when someone walks into the bathroom while you are on the floor, the cold tiles hugging you like no other. 

The faces and embraces in photos forever suspended in perpetual hopefulness. Bright, wide eyes and smiles that can't be stifled. A serotonin-streaked moment. The butterflies gather up high as you ascend on an amusement ride, lift your arms and close your eyes as your body rises with you in angular momentum towards the sky. And you chase this world, longing to stretch the miliseconds of sparks into hours, the minute of dopamine into a day, the stolen smirk into a week, the uncontrollable laughter into a month, the ultimate snapshot into a year. Who will you take with you and who will you leave behind? Connections snap back like broken elastic because you realize that you had the complete wrong idea and now you've gotten yourself into this mess of naivety. When you swim away because you will drown if you don't. When you dive in with wild abandon, waking the neighbours at 3am. Letting your breath out and sitting on the bottom of the pool beneath the noise and bright lights that love you so much. When you stroke the hair of a quiet patient, looking out at the sunny day so far away from here. When you want someone to stop the car. When you want to turn around. When you find yourself in crazy clothes eating a hotdog in the middle of nowhere. When you find yourself alone, looking up with tears in your eyes. When you laugh the day away in bed together while everyone outside is working. When that one moment finds you and you have to choose which way to go. When you can feel electric tension and you just know that they have to be feeling it too but you stand there, motionless, denying it before resuming normalcy. That instant when someone takes a chance or when you're so true to yourself that it feels like you need to get the hell out of there. When you just know that right now you're supposed to be waking up on this mattress on this floor, locked in these tattooed arms and maybe because it's the first of a new month, everything will start all over again. "Hi." "Hi." 

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