I'm not okay.


I've drafted this post so many times. I've re-written it and scrapped it. I've read it over, seeing a jumble of words and crazy thinking on display. I've told myself that the very act of publishing this would be a self-indulgent addition to an already noisy blogosphere only to come back here again. Call me self-indulgent.

The internet is a place where we either share too much or conceal what's convenient because it's either too frustrating to keep quiet or too difficult to own up to reality. The reason I don't want to clutter up a newsfeed with humblebrags is the same reason I don't want to document a breakdown. I don't want to have my current emotions/decisions from winter 2014 cached for eternity, where people can speculate or get some sort of sick pleasure from making fun of me. I don't want whatever negative consequences come with putting myself out there but I also have no idea what else to do anymore except write...so I find myself here, doing one of the few things that still makes sense to me. 

It didn't always make sense, in fact when I was younger, I used to keep a diary but I never wrote about bad experiences because I didn't want to acknowledge them. I thought that if I didn't pay attention to them, I could get past them quicker, or even nullify their existence completely. I feel like everyone is doing the same thing publicly nowadays, me included. Maybe we don't want to be buzzkills or look weak. I think everyone is just simply trying to highlight the good and minimize the bad which is completely logical even though it may create the false sense of everyone being ok, or fantastic even. I guess I grew up thinking that any complicated or painful matters should be settled in private because it's respectful and, what good can come from pouring out our guts to anyone who'll listen? I mean, I don't want to sit here and talk about issues on the internet when I'd rather ignore it and pretend that I'm fine but I also know that that's the exact attitude which brought me to this point.

I experienced what I can only call a breakdown at the end of June. I didn't listen to myself, to my loved ones or to my life. I can only think of this Oprah thing (bear with me) where she talks about how the universe (or whatever) shows you where you need to go. The message starts out as a whisper, then it speaks, then it yells and finally if you don't listen, you get a brick to the face. I even posted about getting my priorities straight because I knew I was headed in the wrong direction. 

I had been, for lack of a better phrase, "losing my mind" which displayed outwardly as being manic one minute and really low the next. My loved ones told me that I needed to slow down but I don't ever think I need to slow down. I put too much on my plate to the point where even social commitments with friends became another obligation that felt too taxing. I made decisions that got me screwed over because I didn't trust my instincts or want to appear unprofessional. I haven't been living a healthy life with regards to eating properly, getting exercise or sleeping normally and relaxation wasn't exactly happening either. I would turn recreational things into projects, somehow making them a stress while on the flip side, procrastination became a monster of my own making and I felt like I was constantly living in a backlog. It feels like I woke up one day and life had just begun to feel terrifying and even casual conversation became something I recoiled from. Facebook messages, WhatsApps and phone calls actually began to freak me out and I would ignore them for as long as possible, not feeling strong enough to respond (what the actual fuck?!). Eventually, I could no longer ignore how I had been living and felt like I bottomed out. I put a lot of pressure on myself like most people. I just don't think I'm coping like most people.

The modern world offers so much variety and stimulation. The amount of choices make it hard to choose while the many different ways we're constantly connected to everyone seesaws between being on-call 27/7 or feeling ironically distant. I don't know if what I'm dealing with is a breakdown, I don't know what to call it. All I know is I'm not out of it. I'm still finding myself alone in a restaurant after almost passing out from not sleeping or eating while the waitresses assume I'm hungover or on drugs. I'm still finding myself trying to take on the world in a hyper manner or alternatively, not wanting to get out of bed and staring into space. The staring into space thing troubles me especially because I'm not even like, being lazy and playing a game on my phone, I'm just sitting there with a cluttered mind spewing thoughts, ideas, what-ifs, etc.

It's really humiliating to talk about mental health, especially when I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to be labelled as a mess, I want a balanced life but I also know that whatever I'm going through seems like something I can't just magically fix. The anxiety of taking time away from everything is eating me alive but I have to stop feeling guilty. I overthink things. I overanalyze things. I can turn anything into a worry and I feel like I question myself from several angles which trips me up or keeps me stuck. At one point, I decided against any more negative personal posts altogether, thinking A) I'll just be a broken record. B) It spreads more negativity. C) People have worse problems, so shut up. D) I'm sure whatever I have to say has been covered by someone else, much more articulately. I can go through the whole alphabet about anything no matter how frivolous or profound it is.

So here I am, with my cursor hovering over the 'publish' button but why? Keeping it to myself hasn't changed anything and if I share this, it'll be out there alongside the fluff. Instead of keeping secrets from my diary, I'll do the opposite and maybe it'll make it real enough that I'll have no other choice but to face up to it and work through my problems. I can list pros and cons until the cows come home but I know that I'm backing myself into a corner and I need to stop this destructive pattern. I think a step in the right direction is catching myself doing that and stopping the cycle. Perhaps right now, hitting this button will be a start.

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